Romps, Tots and Boffins Read online

  quintessentially British • use of Barbour jackets, Elgar and understated demonstrations of approval. Don’t use of ITV reality shows.

  rabid • what other people’s lawyers are. Especially libel lawyers.

  rambling diatribe • as opposed to a carefully constructed and tightly argued diatribe.

  rank • what hypocrisy is always.

  rant • someone said something with which we disagree. Doesn’t even need to have been done at length any more, as the Mirror demonstrated in 2012 when it used the word to describe a 140-character tweet from an MP.

  rapped • in March 2013, a number of outlets including the BBC offered the headline: ‘Police Chief Rapped Over Hillsborough’, conjuring the image of some kind of appalling duet with Jay-Z.

  red-faced • what council chiefs usually are after a ‘humiliating U-turn’ over parking charges.

  reeling • how people were left yesterday by a ‘shock blow’.

  remarkable reversal of fortune • most of the stuff in today’s paper is pretty unremarkable. This, on the other hand, is worth reading.

  respected • someone just like you, as in ‘a respected doctor faces jail after ...’

  roasted • told off.

  rollocked • does not mean what we think it means. But it’s only one letter away from what we think it means, and that’s good enough.*

  rushed • the only way anyone gets to hospital, typically after ambulances raced to the scene.

  SAS on standby • the Special Air Service is always on standby. Its members are also, on any given day, Ready For Action and Prepared To Go In. This is what makes them one of the world’s elite fighting forces. The characteristic that makes them every defence journalist’s favourite fighting force is that they never deny stories about themselves. So for any crisis, anywhere in the world, it is safe to write: ‘SAS On Standby To Rescue Western Hostages’.

  scoff • 1. how people eat when they’re glugging champagne; 2. how experts respond to a particularly daft story floated by one of our rivals.

  Scots (Scottish papers) • all intros in Scottish papers should contain a reference to Scotland. All of them. If the story is not, for some reason, about Scots, stick a kilt on it.

  Scots (English papers) • the only circumstances in which English readers want to know about things that have happened in Scotland is if they evoke Whisky Galore or Brigadoon. Stories that if they occurred in Manchester or London would make the splash should be a page lead at most.

  scourge • someone who’s unpleasant to people in a way of which we approve.

  scribe • a good way for writers and reporters to refer to themselves if they want readers to despise them. For extra effect, try ‘humble scribe’.

  scupper • see scuttle.

  scuttle • an alternative way to sink plans that haven’t been torpedoed. For nautical accuracy, we should insist that plans are torpedoed by outsiders and scuttled by people within a project.

  seasoned • what veterans are if they’re not battle-scarred.

  secret dossier • someone has leaked us an email.

  seized on • they referred to something they said supported their case, but we still don’t believe them.

  sent to the bottom • what happens to ships when submarines find them. But not, interestingly, to plans when they’ve been torpedoed.

  set to (not to be confused with set to) • sounds like it means ‘will’, but if it turns out the story is wrong, you can point out it only actually means ‘may’. In broadsheets, outside headlines, try ‘poised to’.

  set to (not to be confused with set to) • fracas.

  shamed • someone who has had sex or taken drugs.

  shelved • what happens to projects that are kicked into the long grass.

  shockwaves • the result of a bombshell.

  sip • how champagne is consumed by rich, out-of-touch elites, while the poor starve at their door. Or ‘quaff’.

  slams • disagreed with. As in: ‘Cowell Slams Bruce On Air’.

  sleepwalking • the manner in which people look like they’re going to do something with which we disagree.

  slew • collective noun for journalistic stories.

  smoke-filled rooms • where cosy consensuses are reached. This has survived the smoking ban.

  snapper • a photographer. Or try ‘lensman’. Probably they’d prefer to be referred to as ‘painters with light’, but sadly there isn’t room.*

  snoops • this group, who are protected by the ‘snoopers’ charters’ regularly introduced by all governments, are people legally mandated to inquire into your life, usually your wealth, and usually for the purposes of correctly assessing how much tax you owe without disclosing details to the public. They should NEVER be confused with journalists investigating the private lives of celebrities by going through their bins.

  snub • somebody didn’t get something they wanted. The number of snub-related stories in a newspaper is exponentially related to its distance from the centre of power. Once you get north of Durham, they make up the bulk of political stories.

  so-called • called, but read it with a sneer.

  sound off • how somebody disagrees with us, if we’re obliged to report their views.

  spark • the means by which all fury is generated. As in this all-purpose headline from the Inverness Courier: ‘Police Chief Sparks Fury’.

  Special Investigation • a normal investigation, but with a picture byline for the reporter.

  spectre • a really scary kind of ‘threat’.

  spiralling • how things go from being under control to being out of control.

  standoff • traditionally, one side will back down.

  staunch • what one does to a crisis. Or see Religion.

  stealth tax • a tax we dislike, and which we will maintain is stealthy, despite it having been on the front of our paper for a month.

  strident • a strongly held view with which we disagree.

  sun-kissed • anywhere south of Portsmouth.

  table • onto which things are put during negotiations. Plural tables have usually just been turned.

  tears • what cheers typically turned to after yesterday’s drama.

  teeter • what things do when they’re on brinks.

  tensions • the advance guard of rifts.

  the mercury peaked • in weather stories, where we’ll go on to give the top temperature in Fahrenheit, because it’s a bigger and therefore more impressive number. When it’s cold, we use Celsius, to allow us to go below zero.

  tipped • we’re about to dress up our hopes as an unnamed person’s predictions. As in: ‘David Beckham Tipped For Celebrity Big Brother’.

  tight-lipped • well, we asked, but no one will tell us what’s going on.

  toff • an over-privileged product of public school and Oxbridge, who got where he is today through family connections. Not to be confused with three-quarters of newspaper staff.

  top-level talks • obviously, there are all kinds of talks going on all the time. But this report won’t be on trivial stuff such as discussions between civil servants about printer paper requisitions, oh no. This is the really important stuff.*

  torpedoed • what happened to plans.

  torrid • sounds like ‘horrid’, looks like ‘horrid’. Doesn’t mean ‘horrid’.* See rollocked.

  tot • older than a baby. Not yet a nipper.

  tough new rules • as opposed to the soft failed rules that were there before.

  towering figure • how the deceased will be described in many of the tributes, as they ‘pour in’.

  tragic • helpful clue for readers otherwise uncertain how to feel when reading of a child’s death.

  tributes • these generally ‘pour in’ after a death. Never confuse the tributes that ‘pour in’ with the ‘floral tributes’ left at the side of the road. If floral tributes pour in, there’s a risk of injury. The only thing more dangerous would be a ‘flood’.

  troupe
r • anyone reliable.*

  trouser (verb) • the means by which people receive unexpectedly or undeservedly large sums. See bumper pay packet.

  tug-of-love • helpful in parental child abduction cases when we’re sympathetic to the parent who’s done the abducting because, for instance, they’re British.

  Twitter storm • more than 15 tweets on any subject.

  tycoon • rich person we don’t like.

  U-turn • ideally ‘humiliating’. Once a fine piece of journalese that neatly described a policy reversal. Now applies so widely that we can say a politician performed one simply by explaining a remark they made 10 minutes earlier.

  unprecedented • what interventions are.

  unprecedented breach of protocol • something involving the Royal Family that hasn’t been done for a while, as far as we recall.

  vent • what people do to their grievances.

  vested • what interests are.

  vowed • said.* Or try ‘pledged’.

  wake-up call • we haven’t been able to get anyone excited about this story for weeks. Maybe this’ll do the trick.

  wall-to-wall • what others’ coverage was. Ours was ‘comprehensive’.

  watcher • freelance journalist. As in ‘veteran Vatican watcher’.

  wheeled out • the manner in which spokesmen whom we don’t like appear.

  why I, an X, support Y • a popular standfirst for ‘surprising’, ‘frank’, and ‘personal’ opinion pieces. Usually X can be replaced with ‘writer paid by the word’ and Y with ‘something the editor also supports’, saving the effort of reading further.

  wide-ranging interview • they talked a lot but didn’t say much, and now we can’t decide what the story is.

  wiped off • the tragic fate of millions of pounds every day down at the stock exchange.

  a worse time • when today’s news couldn’t have come.

  wrangling • lawyers, who’re rarely mistaken for cowboys, have somehow secured this exciting verb to describe their very dull work. Perhaps they took it in lieu of payment after some especially expensive litigation.

  writer and broadcaster • unemployed journalist for whom a £75 cheque is sufficient incentive to come in on Saturday night and do a paper review on 24-hour news.

  * The point on the earth’s crust above the focus of an earthquake, since you ask.

  * We may need to think about a new word for people who have committed actual acts of heroism.

  * Journalists are its spleen, obviously.

  * Overheard in the press centre at a summit: ‘Have we decided which story is overshadowing which?’

  * The day after she died, we were told Margaret Thatcher’s stay at the Ritz Hotel, where she spent her final weeks, had been paid for by ‘pals’. I somehow doubt that’s how she or they would have put it.

  * Pedants: it actually means ‘behaved in an exuberant and lively fashion’.

  * All these may be used in the paper, but obviously nothing will stop the newsdesk referring to them as ‘monkeys’.

  * Thanks to Google, I’ve even found reports of ‘top-level crisis talks’. They were about the future of Plymouth Argyle.

  * ‘Very hot.’

  * Included mainly because of my fond memories of a piece of Mirror showbiz copy that described a celebrity ‘swearing like a trouper’. Very rarely, presumably, and even then quite daintily.

  * A good way to give copy an epic feel it might otherwise lack. ‘District Councillors Vow To Deliver Fortnightly Bin Collections’. Should they fail, their very lives will be forfeit.

  A QUESTION OF ATTRIBUTION

  There are few sacred things in British journalism, but one of them is the reporter’s duty to his source. Without these precious people, a journalist is nothing, so sources must be taken care of. That means drinks whenever they want them, lunch within reason, and dinner if they behave. But there is also the question of protecting their identity. Someone’s livelihood may ride on no one finding out where the information is coming from. Often, it may be the reporter’s. Readers, and more importantly bosses, should be allowed to believe that stories are passed on by a senior member of an intelligence agency, whispering secrets in an underground garage, and not a press officer explaining that the next bit didn’t come from him. Sometimes, to conceal a source’s identity, it may even be necessary to adjust his language. This is why some sources seem to speak in a voice uncannily like the one in the reporter’s head.

  according to friends/pals/chums/mates/fellow inmates • according to the subject, who hasn’t got any friends to say it for him. Or his publicist, the closest thing he now has to a friend.

  clearest signal yet • he said the same thing as last week.

  coded attack • frankly, this one would have defeated Bletchley Park. Here’s what they should have said ... Or try ‘thinly veiled’.

  controversial • we like to quote him, but everyone else thinks he’s bonkers.

  did not immediately comment • we called them 15 minutes before we ran the story.

  eminent • any historian we’re quoting approvingly.

  happy to clarify • the lawyer has explained that we have to say this.

  heavyweight • anyone who was available to comment at short notice.

  influential • any group who can get a letter printed in a national newspaper. See, for example, ‘Parliament’s influential Refreshment Committee’.

  insisted • out of fairness, we’re going to tell you what they said, but you should know we don’t believe a word of it.

  it appears • we can’t stand it up.

  it has emerged (broadcaster) • ‘I am a broadcast journalist, and I’ve read this in a paper, and I’m damned if I’ll admit it.’

  it has emerged (newspaper) • we missed it but it wasn’t printed in English.

  it is understood • the briefing was ‘on background’, which is officialese for ‘you didn’t hear it from me, but ...’

  it was reported • we missed it and the editor is cross.

  it was revealed • we missed it but we’re hoping the editor won’t notice.

  likely to • we couldn’t find anyone to say it will, but come on, it’s bound to, isn’t it?

  observers • a mysterious group, who aren’t us, obviously, but for whom we can confidently speak.

  pundit • he has no qualifications as such, but he sounds pretty plausible to us.

  quietly announced • I missed the press release.

  respected • this honestly isn’t just the only person we could find.

  Sky sources • the BBC.

  slipped out • any announcements not accompanied by a press release. As in ‘The official jaunt to the luxurious La Pirogue beach resort in Flic en Flac cost £1,445, figures slipped out on the Department for Education’s website reveal.’ – Daily Mirror

  sources • we think it’s true but we can’t get anyone to confirm it and we’ve got two other stories to write.

  sources close to the situation (business pages) • banks plying for trade.

  the BBC has learned • we’ve got Sky on.

  the comments made clear • sadly they didn’t, but we’ll now explain what they mean.

  vigorously denied • when we put it to him, he swore a lot.

  warned that this may mean • we think it’s true but we can’t get anyone to confirm it and we’ve got other stories to write.

  Westminster source • the reporter at the desk next to me.

  Westminster sources • the barman has heard it too.

  will anger • we spent all afternoon trying, but we couldn’t find anyone who actually was angry about this. Still, someone’s bound to be, if we write it hard enough and put a big headline on it.

  will be seen as • we’re not saying this is how we see it, perish the thought. But some people out there will. Observers, for instance. It’ll be seen this way by observers.

  will enrage • like will anger, but with the added factor of the story having ar
rived after 5pm, or two glasses of wine.

  will spark outrage • we hope.

  HUTTON’S LAW OF SENIORITY

  Anyone quoted in support of a story is always made to sound as important as they possibly can be. To establish how important they actually are, picture the most junior person who could still be described in that way.

  ANATOMY OF A SCANDAL

  When public figures are under pressure, the question we’re always asked is, ‘How bad is it?’ With this handy guide they and you will be able to work out precisely how long they’ve got to go.

  blunder • what happened.

  bungling • the chief quality of the person who let it happen.

  furious row • what we wish to put him at the centre of.

  outraged • what customers/voters/fans will be, we hope.

  disgruntled • what we’d settle for if they can’t manage outrage.

  growing murmur • what we’ll claim to hear if they aren’t even disgruntled.

  on the back foot • where his organisation is now.

  chorus of criticism • that sound you’re hearing is the Fleet Street Singers in full voice.

  cause further embarrassment • what his latest action will do for his organisation.

  under fire • from us.

  barrage of criticism • what he’s on the receiving end of. From us.

  defiant • he has declined our first invitation to resign.

  deepened • what his difficulties did last night.

  embattled • he has declined our second invitation to resign.

  haemorrhaging • what’s happening to his support.

  fuel the controversy • what we’re hoping the latest revelations will do.

  hit out • we got him on the phone in an unguarded moment.

  spinning out of control • what we hope this situation is by now.

  lashed out • we doorstepped him and he really lost it.

  beleaguered • the editor wants to know why he hasn’t been fired, when we said last week he was about to be.

  death spiral • what we hope his career is in.

  climbdown • what all the people who’ve backed him are about to do.